Suicide can be a scary word, and many people feel nervous about bringing it up — especially with kids. What is even more frightening, however, is what can happen if you don’t bring it up. In this article, I am going to break down some of the myths of talking about suicide and a few ways that you can talk to your kids about it.
Myth 1: “If I bring up the topic of suicide, I will put an idea in their head that wasn’t there before.”
Truth: Bringing up suicide is not going to put an idea in someone’s head. In fact, bringing it up will likely benefit you and the person you’re worried about in a number of ways.
- If the person was already thinking about suicide, you have opened the door to allow them to talk about it and get the help that they need rather than suffering alone.
- If the individual was not thinking about suicide, bringing it up may instead show them that you are concerned for them and want to support them.
Myth 2: “There often aren’t warning signs that someone is thinking about suicide”
Truth: While we cannot predict the future, there are often warning signs or red flags that someone is thinking about suicide. Here are a few examples:
- Social withdrawal
- Saying things like “I want to kill myself.”
- Obtaining means for suicide
- Giving away prized possessions
- Saying goodbye to people like they may not see them again
- Increased hopelessness
- Increased anxiety and depressive symptoms
- Becoming more impulsive or reckless
- Increased mood fluctuations
One clarification — just because someone is depressed does not necessarily mean they are contemplating suicide. However, if there is any concern, it is always better to ask.
Myth 3: “There are no ways to prevent suicide.”
Truth: There are many ways to help prevent suicide and various forms of effective treatment.
- As a parent, knowing to ask the question in a compassionate way “are you thinking of killing yourself?” can be such a powerful tool in supporting your children and getting them the help they need. Depending on the age of the child, wording can be modified.
- Counseling and medication are two proven methods that can greatly reduce suicidality and improve quality of life. Talk to your healthcare provider or your behavioral health provider if you have any concerns. They can guide you through the process and support your unique needs.
- Crisis centers are available for adults and teens and can be a source of support when individuals are in crisis and contemplating suicide. Most are open 24/7 every day of the year.
Here is a link for the adult crisis center in Southeastern Idaho: https://www.seibcc.com/
And for teens: https://www.riseupyouthcrisiscenter.com/
- Crisis hotlines such as 988 are available by talk or text and are accessible in English, Spanish, and for individuals who are hard of hearing or deaf. https://988lifeline.org/
- Practicing firearm safety and keeping your firearms in a locked safe is proven to reduce risk of suicide by reducing access to lethal means.
How do I have conversations with my children about suicide?
Even when you have all the information, bringing up the topic of suicide can still be intimidating. Here are a few ways that you can talk about it and support your children.
- Ask open-ended questions. Start with saying things like “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed down the past few days, can you let me know how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking about?” Or “It seems like you’ve been struggling lately. Are you comfortable talking with me about what’s going on?”
- If you have noticed warning signs, express to them what you have noticed and that you want to help them.
- Listen without judgement.
- Take your child seriously if they say they are having thoughts of hurting themselves/killing themselves.
- Verbally recognize that it can be uncomfortable to talk about the topic of suicide but that you want to make sure that they are ok and help however you can.
- Validate their experience. Validation is not the same as agreeing. You can validate someone’s experience without agreeing about whether it is right or wrong.
- Don’t minimize or shame their experience or their thoughts of suicide.
- Let them know that you are there to support them and that there are many ways to get help.
- If your child does not want to talk to you but is open to speaking with another adult, connect them with a trusted relative, counselor, teacher, or coach. If you’re ever unsure, connect with a mental health provider.
- If your child is in a state of crisis, do not leave them alone. Utilize the crisis resources listed above.
Ways to talk about suicide with children of different ages
Dr. Francis, MD, Scott Langenecker, PhD, and Mindy Shreiner, PhD with the University of Utah, published articles giving guidance on how to discuss suicide by age of the child and ways to start the conversation. Here are the highlights and links for more information:
Young children: Keep it simple and let your child lead.
Elementary age 7-10: Be honest but keep it simple
Middle school age 11-14: Talk to your pre-teen about warning signs and myths. Likely your children will have heard about suicide before. Ask what they already know about it and dispel any misinformation while providing them with correct information and resources for support.
Teenage: Dr. Francis MD suggests, “Ask your teen what they will do if they start having suicidal thoughts, or when they are concerned a friend is having suicidal thoughts. Let them know depression and other mental health conditions are not from a person being weak or a lack of willpower, but illnesses that can be treated. Make sure they know that help is available and that they can always come and talk to you.”
If you are ever uncertain and have concerns about yourself or someone you know, talk to your mental health provider or healthcare provider to receive support and guidance. There is help and support available to you.
– Julia Phelps is a Licensed Professional Counselor for Health West. She earned her bachelor’s degree from the College of Idaho and her Master of Counseling degree from Idaho State University. She speaks both English and Spanish and is particularly passionate about mental health in rural and underserved communities.
